I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
