Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
