he was CRYING into my vagina
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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