once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
