I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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