Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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