So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I need moral support for this bender
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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