if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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