We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize