dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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