dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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