im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
