Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
