So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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