dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
