So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
