Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
