Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
