We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
