and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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