Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
