After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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