Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
