He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
