also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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