Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
