So gin and wine won't be happening again
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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