I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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