Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
