Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
