I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
