It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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