i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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