i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
