There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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