Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
