Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
