Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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