The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
