I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
