someone threw a dead crab at me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
