you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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