is your mom at the bar?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
