I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
