Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
