I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
