So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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