Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
