I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I checked into jail on foursquare
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
