Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
