I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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