At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
