He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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