I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
