I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
