You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Someone came in the potted fern
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
