Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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