It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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