i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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