my vag is so smooth its legendary
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
