I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
