From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
