Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
