Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
