She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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