you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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