You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
