He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
